This article was first published by, and is reproduced with kind permission from, the Family Separation Support Hub
Following my most recent article ‘What is family mediation and how can it help?’ it makes sense to follow it with a look at ‘child-inclusive mediation.’
One of the hardest aspects of getting divorced or separating is planning for children. Parents dealing with their own emotions, and who may be going through a really difficult time themselves, have to find the time and energy to make arrangements about living and contact, and this can be particularly difficult where relations between the parents are fraught.
Research findings show that:
• Children want a voice in the decision-making process about arrangements being made for them.
• Having a voice in a parental mediation is empowering for the children.
• Speaking to a neutral third party gives the children an opportunity to discuss things that they might feel that they cannot raise directly with their parents.
• That inclusion in mediation sends a message to the children that their parents care about their opinion.
Child-inclusive mediation involves a qualified mediator spending time with the children in a separate confidential session which usually takes around an hour. The purpose of the meeting is to offer the children the opportunity to have a say in the arrangements, to put forward any suggestions, feelings or concerns that they have. The children are not asked to make any decisions – this is the role of the parents – and the mediator will ensure that they are not made to feel that they are being asked to choose between parents.
The primary goal is to give children a voice and an opportunity to express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions about the issues being mediated, particularly those that directly affect them.
This is how child-inclusive mediation typically works:-
1. Meeting with the parents:- Meeting with children in the context of a family mediation needs to be undertaken with great care and can only go ahead with the agreement of both parents. The mediator will first discuss with the parents the issues that they wish to discuss in relation to their children and will find out as much as possible about the children and their unique needs.
2. Age and maturity considerations:- Child-inclusive mediation is typically considered most appropriate for children over the age of 10, but the specific age at which children are included may vary depending on factors such as their level of maturity, communication skills their understanding of the issues being mediated and the involvement and ages of other siblings.
3. Children’s consent:- Once the parents have both agreed to the children meeting with the mediator, the mediator will contact the children directly to ensure that they are willing to come to meet with a mediator – this is ultimately the child’s choice. The mediator will discuss with the parents how best to broach this topic with their children.
4. Confidential meeting:- The meeting with the children is confidential except in a situation that gives rise to any child protection issues, in which case the mediator would be obliged to report these concerns to a child protection agency. The mediator will make a careful note of the things that the child wants to share with their parents, and of any suggestions that they want their parents to consider.
5. Feedback to parents:- After meeting with the children, the mediator provides feedback to the parents and will discuss with them what arrangements they want to make for their children taking on board what the children have said.
The potential benefits of child-inclusive mediation are:-
• Promotes children’s wellbeing:- By giving children a voice in the mediation process, child-inclusive mediation prioritises their wellbeing and ensures that their perspectives are considered in decisions that will affect their lives.
• Enhances parental understanding:- Hearing from their children can help parents better understand their children’s needs, concerns, and preferences, facilitating more informed decision-making.
• Reduces conflict and resentment:- Including children in the mediation process can reduce conflict and resentment between parents by better understanding their children’s needs and views.
• Supports child-centred solutions:- Child-inclusive mediation encourages parents to focus on solutions that take account of what their children are saying and are therefore more child-centered.
Overall, child-inclusive mediation provides a valuable opportunity for children to have a meaningful voice in the resolution of family disputes. It also promotes their wellbeing and contributes to more informed and durable agreements between parents.
Rebekah Gershuny is an accredited Family Mediator and founder of Evolve Family Mediation based in Watford and a consultant Family Solicitor at Freemans Solicitors
If you would like further information about child-inclusive mediation and how can it help, please contact Rebekah by email on info@evolvefamilymediation.co.uk or 01923 909343.